No, the worst moment in my life was not when my first love left me for an older fellow whom she married soon afterwards, or other romantic disappointments, it was when I had to make a speech on the subject of "Who am I?" in 1965.  Although I was flattered to be accepted in the one-year MBA program at MIT called Sloan Fellowship, I was the only one who was not sponsored by a company. The others had their tuition paid and brought their family and all had a great time. I was intimidated by them and for many weeks suffered from a slight depression trying to hide my fear. When

I had to give my speech, like all the others, the fears broke through and I made a very self-conscious, poor speech and almost broke down physically when I heard someone say something like "I think I'd shoot myself if that happened to me".  It is the only time in my life when I considered that alternative. I asked my carpool whether I could get fired and found out that they did not believe that could happen. I got the feeling that I may not have appeared as badly as I thought and was able to finish that stressful year.

I slowly recovered, took new jobs, even got married to a Japanese woman with three boys, and moved to the Bay Area with a start-up company. However, I always was uncomfortable with speaking in a group and managed to avoid public speaking until one day when I was invited to a session of Toastmasters and realized that I could do something about my fear of speaking in public.

After a few years with Toastmasters, I became gradually successful in evaluating other speakers. Toastmasters organize competitions for evaluation. The winner in one club is pitched against winners in other clubs.  In 1997, 32 years after my MIT speech, the final of the competition in the Bay Area took place in the Hyatt ballroom with several hundred Toastmasters participating to watch seven evaluators compete for the crown.  Yes, I won! It was not a speech contest, just evaluation.  Yet, I felt I had turned around and conquered my fear of speaking in public.

I now observe all public speakers carefully and admire their performance, whether I agree with them or not.  They have conquered their fear and I have reasons to admire them for that alone.           

Gerard Schoenwald